If I wright it down maybe I can keep it out of my mind!

I wrote this months ago but I felt like it should be on my blog.

I feel that if I can just right this down somewhere that maybe I will be able to keep this out of my mind and that I will be able to move past it and think of only the good times.
(This is going to be an emotional one!) Sorry.

It started off as any other day would of I started off by getting Keaton dressed. I took off his night time diaper and pj's and got him cleaned up and ready to go for the day. I then preceded to check on Kaydence (I was surprised that she would sleep in so long) I walked in to her room pulled her covers back so that she would start to stir and then I went back in to the boys room to get Kaulin up. I was still surprised not to here miss thang calling for me so I went in and started to watch her sleep. I watched for her tummy to rise and to fall (as I often did and still do with my children.) I waited and waited I started to feel panic and then I thought it's just your eyes. I then put my hand on her back yanked her out of her bed and was mortified at what I saw. She was so white her lips were blue and looking back now I should have known she was gone but.... I yelled for Jared who was just starting out the door for work.
"She's not breathing!" "Jared she's not breathing!" he came running up stairs took her from me did a mouth sweep and was yelling wake up wake up he then took her down stairs while I ran to the phone to call 911 I started to tell the operator what was gong on . (By this time Kaley and Karley had woken up from the other room and had come into the hallway.) Jared called from down stairs to get in the van now I told the operator that I had to go or my husband was going to leave me I left Kaley on the phone with 911 and left the girls with the boys and ran to the van. Jared drove faster and crazier than imaginable. I gave Kaydence CPR the whole way to the hospital all while crying and telling Jared I didn't think it was working he would yell back just keep doing it. I remember praying and waiting for her to breath back but to no avail it was just my breath filling up her lungs.
When we got to the hospital they were waiting for us Jared ran her in and I parked the van. As I went in I then think that is when the shock started. They put her in a room hooked her up to so many things drilled this long rod into her leg and had like 10 people working on her. They were trying to rehydrate her. I remember the next was a blur I couldn't watch them work on her so I went to use the phone I called the girls to make sure they were OK they were crying but seemed OK and the boys were good too. My net move was to call my mom who was calm and just wanted to know what was going on I told her I would call them back. I went to check on Kaydence and Jared again (it had been like 20min.) Jared was wreck and Kaydence was still not responding. A little while longer a nurse started to approach me, I new what she was going to say as she started I told her I know that she is gone but.. I need to get my husband to OK you to stop working on her. I then went to Jared who just kept saying No they need to keep working on her I then got him to hear me saying through tears she is gone. Hunny she is gone. They then turned off all the machines people started to empty the room Jared was throwing up in the corner of the room and I started to feel really alone. Jared and I then went to the waiting room where we were greeted by the whole family boys and all. I remember thinking how much love I could feel from Jared's family and thinking wow. We were able to see her one last time I wanted to change her diaper but Jared insisted so we got her cleaned up and just held her and held crying and not really understanding . I remember asking Why us? Why my perfect little girl? Pauline then took me to her house where I remember just laying there. (Looking back I see now that I was just in shock. Which lasted 4 mon.) I called Sara and talked to my sister. My mom was on her way and throughout the next couple of days we got things ready for the funeral. I will tell you that it was a lovely funeral and she had so many flowers. The chapel smelled so good. Jared and I both gave talks (We felt that we should.) As we laid the daises on her casket it all hit me this is it.
I right this mainly to get it off my mind and to let all of you know that I love Kaydence so much she will always be apart of me and my soul. I know that she is happy now and now I just have to get my mind to believe that!